Traumatic Birth: From Your Doulas Perspective
It’s ok to NOT be ok.
You took the best childbirth education class. You studied hypnobabies & spinning babies. You hired a doula, had a midwife, wrote a birth plan, chose the best hospital/birth center or home birth provider around….
Yet the birth you ended up with, left you simply thanking God that you both made it out alive.
As a parent, I have not experienced this personally.
As a Doula, I have a front row seat to witness the miracle of life through birth on a regular basis. But rarely, I bear witness of disappointment, heartache & shock. The disbelief that flows over you like a pounding wave, when you hear the words “placental abruption….uterine infection…..hemorrhage…..fetal distress….”. None of which a parent ever imagines hearing. And the words that cause doulas to want to crawl into the fetal position in the corner & cry….or scream. Nothing prepares you for the sight of an OB’s blood soaked scrubs to the knee as the result of a massive hemorrhage. But as a birth worker, we keep our cool. Some how that adrenaline kicks in and we jump to prepare you, educate you, support you.
Some have said “you can’t support a woman through labor and NOT love her by the end of it!” There are no truer words in my heart… than these words at the end of every birth I have the privilege to attend. Especially those that have me shaking from the adrenaline leaving my body, long after your baby has left yours. Then the knowledge of understanding that my client, as the result of her birth… is now at an increased risk of a repeat postpartum hemorrhage & infection, lower breastfeeding rates, elevated risk of developing PPD or PPA.
So to you, moms & dads who have a newborn on your chest or a toddler on your hip…. I say this:
1- I hear the ache in your soul for the birth you may never have. It is totally okay for you to in a sense, mourn that. Let these words serve as a reminder that it’s normal for you to wonder “what if…or…if only..” Give yourself time, space and an understanding ear to work through those feelings…whatever they are. Don’t burry them.
2- I see the anger…hatred you may have for the sucky birth you were handed…. by no fault of your own. Know, that it’s okay to feel the way you do about your birth. You may hear some well meaning family and friends say “well at least you both are alive and thats what you should focus on!” While that is a true statement…. all that phrase does is squirt perfume on a pile of poop. It doesn’t take away your pain. Nor does it make you focus on the good things in life. So, take it from me when I say: It’s ok…to NOT BE OK. Allow yourself to express these feelings in a healthy way. Journal, draw, talk to a trusted friend…your doula! Don’t burry these feelings, it will only cause you to end up lashing out in an unhealthy way.
Here are a few things that may help you work through this time:
-Hydrate & eat well!!!! Take your vitamins! Your body needs this in order to repair, heal & be revived. Focus on meeting YOUR physical needs. So that you have the strength to meet your baby’s needs. As well as your mental needs.
-Take a shower every day! No, this won’t fix anything. But it will give you a few minutes to be totally alone and think or not think. Cry or scream….without having a peanut gallery of friends/family/other children in your face for it. Plus you’ll feel refreshed and so clean. Which can help your opinion of yourself in case you are struggling with that. I sure did.
-Seek help. do I need to say that again?! SEEK HELP!! If that looks like calling a girlfriend to come load the dishwasher and take out the trash…. or calling your partner to grab take out on the way home…. or maybe reaching out to your doula/ care provider for a referral for some talk therapy! Calling your pastors wife or a church friend to pray for you. Or hey, maybe even some medication to help you get off the couch or to help you sleep because you fear your baby will stop breathing..so you can’t sleep….or a treatment center because you are having disturbing thoughts?!?! WHATEVER your need is, PLEASE REACH OUT TO SOMEONE THAT CAN HELP YOU!!
So, I leave you with this thought. I am here for you. Contact me. Let me know how I can help…even if you feel that there’s no way I can. Give yourself time and space to express and feel however it is you want to. Take care of yourself, whatever that may look like will vary from woman to woman, from birth to birth. And while you are thankful that you and your sweet little one are alive and healthy, it’s ok to NOT BE OK …it’s not a consolation prize. And know, that birth has a mind of it’s own. Sometimes all we can do is react in the best way we know how when major complications arise. But just know…. that it’s not your fault. You are loved. And you have done an amazing job at bringing your baby into the world.
Much love,
