I sit here tonight with ten things left on my ‘to-do-list’ for the day. That will totally NOT get done until three days from now. The kids are safe in their beds, while the husband is listening to a podcast. We are on day two of ‘spring break covid-19', coupled with day four of ‘keep clients calm’.

While the kids are in party mode with water balloon fights, kiddie pools & Disney+… while the store shelves are growing barer by the minute… while I sit here stressing about the Birth Doula business I own, already struggling to make it through ‘COVID crisis’ because 94% of it depends on in hospital support… which we cannot currently provide because of said covid-19… I can’t help but think about all the things we hold so dear in this life that are affected by this virus sweeping across our world.

From our health to our bank accounts, from the kids’ education to toilet paper… we are all affected.

I think of the woman about to give birth to her sweet baby without the professional birth support she hired because of restrictions. You know, the one that can help her reduce her risk of an unplanned cesarean by 50%!?! All while knowing her hospital can have covid-19 patients. The small business that just lost a month of income in order to try and slow this virus down. The person who had the horrible luck of getting this virus itself and is now on a ventilator. Or the one who already passed onto the next life because of it. The officials who are deemed unconstitutional leaders because they are issuing steps to help slow and attempt to control the spread of this thing.

Yeah, I see you all.

I too have stressed. I have yelled at the kids for ridiculously stupid things I would normally laugh over. I have cried, buried myself in office work, prayed & tried my best to hold myself together during this uncertain time. One thing that I am learning over and over again during every trial that comes, I have the peace of God, but I most certainly am NOT ok. And that’s OK.

As a Christian, it’s hard for me to say that. People expect the sunday school answer to everything when they hear you are one. The ‘he won’t give you more than you can handle’ reply with a smile. Well, you aren’t going to get that from me…

Not tonight. Probably not ever.

While He is my good Father, my protector, my sustainer…. bad things happen, hard times come and sometimes things do not work out how we want them to. No matter how important or petty they may be. While my hope for tomorrow and forever is most definitely IN HIM, I still struggle with the realities of this world and the pain that comes with it. I don’t have all the answers, but I do have this to say. It is ok to NOT be ok. It’s ok to love God and still say that this thing SUCKS. It’s ok to cry, vent, get angry. It’s ok to not like any of this and wish it wasn’t happening. Just because I love Jesus, that doesn’t mean life is butterflies and roses. And that’s OK too!

Just do yourself a favor and get it out in a healthy way, instead of bottling things up. Go shoot a paintball gun! Talk to your therapist…or find one! Get some sunshine in the backyard! Or if you’re like me, cry in the bubble bath while you poor your heart out to God and complain to your friends. Allow yourself to feel however you feel about this mess.

Yes, this will eventually pass. Things will return to normal for MOST of the world eventually. And while I don’t have a nice positive bow to tie this up with because…hello trying to be real here, just remember…

I’m ok, but I’m not ok.

You can NOt be ok too…

And that’s OK.